'and if any one believes in Allah, ((Allah)) guides his heart (aright): for Allah knows all things'. [Quran:64:11]
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
My first Fast, remembering my first Ramadan...
Sister Maryam
CANADA
Today my friend Kader sent me a message requesting that I share the experience of my first Fast.With Ramadan almost at our doorstep and with some of my new friends contemplating their first Fast, I decided that I would try to put on paper one of the most powerful experiences of my life.
I had been reading and studying Islam for almost 3 years. Reading the translation of the Quran a few times and each time I was feeling a bigger sense of peace , of truth and of awakening. I was also going online to try to learn more. Not always a good idea, I had to learn to differentiate between good and false sites. I joined an online group where a brother used to answer questions and read stories of our Prophets (peace be upon them). More and more , I was convinced that Islam was the only truth,there was a feeling inside me, finally I was seeing for the first time, it was like a blindfold was slowly lifted from my eyes,the light was so bright that for a while I was closing my eyes, refusing to see,honestly,I was scared. Scared of what will my family think?, my friends? my co workers? I had been slowly started to say my prayers, not faithfully or on time, but it was a beginning. Ramadan was approaching very fast, the online group’s discussions were revolving around the “Fast” I felt a tugging to my heart, I had not said Shahada yet, but I knew in my heart that that would be my next step. I just needed some courage to face the people around me.
The week before Ramadan, I decided that I would try fasting and saying all my prayers on time.
The night before the start of the Holy month,I was awake most of the night.Thoughts filling my head, how am I going to explain this to my co workers at the clinic, we always had lunch together, where would I pray, how would I do wudu without being all wet . Sounds a little trivial now, but when you don’t even have one other muslim around you, it is not easy.
I got up before Fajr, but I couldn’t eat, I usually don’t have an early breakfast.Just coffee then later during the morning break I would eat something. But now I wouldn’t be able to do that,I tried eating,but there was a knot in my throat,maybe excitement, maybe apprehension? I just drank orange juice, struggled to put on my prayer hijab and said my first prayer of my first Ramadan.Then with some time left,I started reading the Quran from the beginning once more, but this time tasting each word.
That first day, at work, I really tried not to concentrate on my stomach, hunger wasn’t that bad, but I was thirsty.The smell of coffee coming from the coffee room was distracting me. At lunch time I had to face the barricade of questions? you’re not eating?? why not?? no water?? are you crazy?? I tried to explain,but how to explain that you are fasting because for religion that you are not really part of? I tried my best to explain what I was feeling , that what I had been looking for all my life was so near now. With a few raised eyebrows, my co workers and friends slowly accepted that I was probably a little nuts and that in a few days,I would join them at the lunch table again.
The first few days I was feeling lightheaded, and very tired when Maghrib’s time would be called on my pc.I was not very hungry at night,more exhausted than anything.But I was doing it, one hour at the time, one day at the time.
Living alone,I didn’t have the energy to cook just for myself.Slowly as the days passed , it became far more than a physical thing.The fast was making me closer to God, not only was I not eating or drinking, but I was trying my best not to loose my patience, to be careful about the words or opinions I would voice, I was slowly becoming more conscious that my actions had to reflect the feeling of cleanliness and peace that my body was experiencing.
I trained my self to eat a little in the morning,by going to bed earlier, right after Isha, getting up earlier, going for a short walk,reading Quran ,then having breakfast.I discovered that for me yogurt ,nuts ,sometime cheese for protein would be enough to calm my stomach until sunset.I would also have water and fruit juice.
In the evening,I started to invite my friends over to break my fast, they had to wait a little past their dinner time, but we made it a little party. I realized also, that if I had a few dates and water before my salah, then joining my guests for diner, I had more appetite.
The days past faster than I thought they would, it became easier, no more lightheadness, more energy, a feeling of enhance awareness of my surroundings.I started to notice things more,the beauty around me,and more important I stopped,or almost stopped being sarcastic.
I was changing, my heart was being cleaned by my Fast, I was making more place for Allah in my heart, and I was getting stronger in my decision that I wanted to be muslim.
The last week of Ramadan, I had to travel to Toronto for work. Eid was in a few days,I had to say Shahada, every cells of my body was hungry for the light of Allah.
I asked a taxi driver to drive me to an islamic center, and taking my courage in both hands, I walked in, scarf around my neck,shoes on my feet, I entered a mosque for the first time. Honestly, I can’t remember the people or their reactions, except an older woman that came to greet me in the entrance, she said something to me in a language that I couldn’t understand, then she grabbed a young woman by the sleeve, I assumed it was her daughter, and had her translate for us. She was a blessing,very sweet lady, she listened to my request to say shahada, smiled took my scarf and tied it properly under my chin,she took her daugther long covering ( jilbad) motioning to me to put in on, and then lead me downstairs.There , she put a Quran in my hands and left the room to come back a few minutes later with the Imam. After a few questions, I finally repeated after him, the most beautiful words... “La ilaha il Allah, Muhammed Rasoull Allah”. The rest of the evening is a blur, I remember sitting at a table and sharing a meal with the older woman smiling at me the whole time.Then I left, I was taking the plane home the next day. The next morning, in a daze, I realized, I had done it, I was muslim .I felt reborn. That year I celebrated my first Eid,sure with non muslims, but it was a real celebration in my heart.For me Ramadan is such a marvelous time, I get stronger in my faith each year, it took another year for me to wear hijab, to truly submit to Allah’s will, it was the last and biggest thing that would identify me as a muslim to the world.
The month of Ramadan provides me with a sort of “Boot camp.” It is a month of intense moral training. It makes me realize the reality of life and death. It fuels my faith for a new year, new challenges, new ways to gain Jannah.
This is the Mosque where I said Shahada
CANADA
Today my friend Kader sent me a message requesting that I share the experience of my first Fast.With Ramadan almost at our doorstep and with some of my new friends contemplating their first Fast, I decided that I would try to put on paper one of the most powerful experiences of my life.
I had been reading and studying Islam for almost 3 years. Reading the translation of the Quran a few times and each time I was feeling a bigger sense of peace , of truth and of awakening. I was also going online to try to learn more. Not always a good idea, I had to learn to differentiate between good and false sites. I joined an online group where a brother used to answer questions and read stories of our Prophets (peace be upon them). More and more , I was convinced that Islam was the only truth,there was a feeling inside me, finally I was seeing for the first time, it was like a blindfold was slowly lifted from my eyes,the light was so bright that for a while I was closing my eyes, refusing to see,honestly,I was scared. Scared of what will my family think?, my friends? my co workers? I had been slowly started to say my prayers, not faithfully or on time, but it was a beginning. Ramadan was approaching very fast, the online group’s discussions were revolving around the “Fast” I felt a tugging to my heart, I had not said Shahada yet, but I knew in my heart that that would be my next step. I just needed some courage to face the people around me.
The week before Ramadan, I decided that I would try fasting and saying all my prayers on time.
The night before the start of the Holy month,I was awake most of the night.Thoughts filling my head, how am I going to explain this to my co workers at the clinic, we always had lunch together, where would I pray, how would I do wudu without being all wet . Sounds a little trivial now, but when you don’t even have one other muslim around you, it is not easy.
I got up before Fajr, but I couldn’t eat, I usually don’t have an early breakfast.Just coffee then later during the morning break I would eat something. But now I wouldn’t be able to do that,I tried eating,but there was a knot in my throat,maybe excitement, maybe apprehension? I just drank orange juice, struggled to put on my prayer hijab and said my first prayer of my first Ramadan.Then with some time left,I started reading the Quran from the beginning once more, but this time tasting each word.
That first day, at work, I really tried not to concentrate on my stomach, hunger wasn’t that bad, but I was thirsty.The smell of coffee coming from the coffee room was distracting me. At lunch time I had to face the barricade of questions? you’re not eating?? why not?? no water?? are you crazy?? I tried to explain,but how to explain that you are fasting because for religion that you are not really part of? I tried my best to explain what I was feeling , that what I had been looking for all my life was so near now. With a few raised eyebrows, my co workers and friends slowly accepted that I was probably a little nuts and that in a few days,I would join them at the lunch table again.
The first few days I was feeling lightheaded, and very tired when Maghrib’s time would be called on my pc.I was not very hungry at night,more exhausted than anything.But I was doing it, one hour at the time, one day at the time.
Living alone,I didn’t have the energy to cook just for myself.Slowly as the days passed , it became far more than a physical thing.The fast was making me closer to God, not only was I not eating or drinking, but I was trying my best not to loose my patience, to be careful about the words or opinions I would voice, I was slowly becoming more conscious that my actions had to reflect the feeling of cleanliness and peace that my body was experiencing.
I trained my self to eat a little in the morning,by going to bed earlier, right after Isha, getting up earlier, going for a short walk,reading Quran ,then having breakfast.I discovered that for me yogurt ,nuts ,sometime cheese for protein would be enough to calm my stomach until sunset.I would also have water and fruit juice.
In the evening,I started to invite my friends over to break my fast, they had to wait a little past their dinner time, but we made it a little party. I realized also, that if I had a few dates and water before my salah, then joining my guests for diner, I had more appetite.
The days past faster than I thought they would, it became easier, no more lightheadness, more energy, a feeling of enhance awareness of my surroundings.I started to notice things more,the beauty around me,and more important I stopped,or almost stopped being sarcastic.
I was changing, my heart was being cleaned by my Fast, I was making more place for Allah in my heart, and I was getting stronger in my decision that I wanted to be muslim.
The last week of Ramadan, I had to travel to Toronto for work. Eid was in a few days,I had to say Shahada, every cells of my body was hungry for the light of Allah.
I asked a taxi driver to drive me to an islamic center, and taking my courage in both hands, I walked in, scarf around my neck,shoes on my feet, I entered a mosque for the first time. Honestly, I can’t remember the people or their reactions, except an older woman that came to greet me in the entrance, she said something to me in a language that I couldn’t understand, then she grabbed a young woman by the sleeve, I assumed it was her daughter, and had her translate for us. She was a blessing,very sweet lady, she listened to my request to say shahada, smiled took my scarf and tied it properly under my chin,she took her daugther long covering ( jilbad) motioning to me to put in on, and then lead me downstairs.There , she put a Quran in my hands and left the room to come back a few minutes later with the Imam. After a few questions, I finally repeated after him, the most beautiful words... “La ilaha il Allah, Muhammed Rasoull Allah”. The rest of the evening is a blur, I remember sitting at a table and sharing a meal with the older woman smiling at me the whole time.Then I left, I was taking the plane home the next day. The next morning, in a daze, I realized, I had done it, I was muslim .I felt reborn. That year I celebrated my first Eid,sure with non muslims, but it was a real celebration in my heart.For me Ramadan is such a marvelous time, I get stronger in my faith each year, it took another year for me to wear hijab, to truly submit to Allah’s will, it was the last and biggest thing that would identify me as a muslim to the world.
The month of Ramadan provides me with a sort of “Boot camp.” It is a month of intense moral training. It makes me realize the reality of life and death. It fuels my faith for a new year, new challenges, new ways to gain Jannah.
This is the Mosque where I said Shahada
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
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