Arranged Marriages vs Love Marriages in Islam

Sister Maryam
CANADA


I was talking to some online sisters the other day, the topic of marriage came up. Specifically the difficulty for reverts to find partners. Some muslimahs are the only followers of Islam in their family. Some are isolated, living in a non muslim community, no access to islamic centers etc.




Arranged marriages versus love marriages was discussed. Although a pragmatic marriage, otherwise known as an arranged marriage, does not give much control over the selection of one’s future spouse, both parties do, in fact, consent to the union. In some cultures, families choose one another based on a mutual interest in property, land or the aim of securing social status. In this way, the arranged marriage can be considered a business merger or even an alliance between two families.

Relying on family to select a potential spouse can be considered an advantage as they have years of wisdom and experience. The family wants to provide their children with protection, security and happiness. However, does this system guarantee their children a happily-ever-after? It is a fact that women remain in abusive relationships to maintain their family pride and respect.

Love marriages are ideally based on friendship, respect, familiarity and understanding, unlike arranged marriages in which you marry a stranger with whom you have no history or bond with. In the beginning of every dynamic relationship, there is the “getting-to-know-you” phase where people feel out their boundaries and discover the other’s pet peeves, quirks, and overall personality. Although love alone does not keep the ship afloat, it gives way to wanting to learn more about the significant other and wanting to invest in a relationship during the inevitable trials and tribulations. However, the time and privacy that is necessary for two people to learn more about one another is not afforded in certain cultures. Islam does not permit the intimacy of meeting without a chaperon .Thus in Islam, males and females are allowed to socialize and interact with one another as long as they do not deviate from taqwa (piety and fear of Allah) which guides every action and relation in Islam, be it among Muslims or between Muslims and non-Muslims. Taqwa is the yardstick for us to explain the difference between an Islamic relationship and a non-Islamic one, and it serves as the basis for the choice of a partner in Islam.

Since it is illogical for two people to be thrown together without knowing anything about each other and be expected to successfully relate and intimate, Islam recommends that the suitors see each other before going through with marriage; not only that, they are also allowed to look at each other to be sure of what attracts them to each other.



But the point here is that with taqwa the above-mentioned ruling is not absolute, thus making an Islamic relationship different from a non-Islamic one. Allowing the couple to see each other is by no means a call towards establishing a free-style courtship whereby the couple spend time together privately and get to know each other in a very deep way that leads to pre-marital affairs and illicit sexual intercourse, which we all know the consequence of. Even the act of looking at each other should not be a lustful one, for the basic rule that governs the male-female interaction and intermingling in Islam is "lowering the gaze," another demonstration of taqwa.

Though love is something nice, and it is recommended for a man to marry a woman whom he loves, because the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih Al-Jami`, 5200) However, this love should not be overwhelming and cause a person to forget other characteristics which he should look for in the person he wants to marry. The most important characteristic is religious commitment. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, says: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her commitment to religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper]!” (Agreed-upon Hadith).




In my opinion, a successful unity between two people requires willingness, compromise, love and dedication. These aspects can be found in either type of marriage.

Today I ran across this article on the net , a few years old but very current topic,so I am pasting the link to share it with you. I would like your opinion regarding arranged marriages versus love marriages.




http://nytimes.com/2006/03/07/nyregion/07imam.html?pagewanted=1